You’ll be glad you clicked that link, because I’ve figured it out!! Want to be in a famous rock band? Follow these quick and easy tips, and you’ll be rollin’ in dough in 3 months tops. Guaranteed.

Apply eye shadow- Forget about any other tip there is, this is the one that’ll work best. In fact, scientists have recently calculated that the application of dark eye shadow to every band member increases the chance of being signed by a famous label by at least 50%. Not only will you look like a total bad ass, itll help accentuate the tears you’ll cry during your emo infused ballods.

Use arbitrary combinations of words when creating your band name- Take words that people find poetic and mash them together. The less sense the title makes, the more likely people will give you their time of day. Oh, and forget about using “The” in your title, as “the” is a fairly common word and is therefore not poetic enough. Name your band something along the lines of “Gasoline Rainbow”, “Arctic Dismal Sunshine”, or 3 X 2-1= <3 , all of which I have just copywrited.

Less is the new more- Don’t bother creating music that’s complex or diverse in any way. Get your guitarist to throw together a solid four or five power-chord progressions, and make sure the distortion’s through the roof. Your bassist should not hit more than 5 notes throughout your two-minute production, which won’t really matter, because you’ll be turning him down when recording. No instrument in the band should be allowed time for a solo, because we’re fast moving Americans and we don’t have time to listen to them anymore. Plus, it takes away from the time we need to listen to your lead singer bitch about life, love and the fact that his voice has risen nine octaves after he switched to women’s denim slim fitting jeans. Make sure to buy women’s denim slim fitting jeans. If it takes you less than two hours to squeeze into them, they’re not tight enough. With enough makeup and the use of tight jeans, people shouldn’t be able to tell whether you’re a guy or girl, which is SO IN.

Play the part- First and foremost, you don’t need to worry about picking a front man that can sing. Your lead singer does not need to have the ability to hit high notes or change the inflection of his voice; he needs only to be able to whine melodicly. Make sure your lead whiner has a lot of pre-pubesciant angst, and is a person who likes to bitch a lot but take no action. Your lead whiner must be adorned with tatoo’s of contemporary paintings and words like “strength” or “enlightenment” written in Chinese. A minimum of four face piercings is required. Wear shirts with quotes and/or pictures of Andy Warhol. Instead of wearing a belt, keep your pants tied together with a multi-colored scarf. Basically, when shopping for clothes think, “what would a ninja turtle wear?” Call people who question your lifestyle “conformists”. Use words like “chaos” and “anarchy” a lot when speaking. Answer people’s questions about you or your band, with much darker and/or philisophical questions (i.e. “How’d your band get together?” / “Why can’t society get it together?”). This will impress shallow women and make you seem deeper than the ocean. If your lead whiner screams a lot, make sure to categorize your bands music as “screamo”. If you have more than one lead whiner or a strong sense of commaradory within your band, refer to your type of music as “teamo”. Adjust accordingly.

Stop bathing- Straight up. Work your bathing cycle around the length of time that your superfreeze hair gel will keep your hair in place.

Don’t bother spending money on music- Spend it on music videos! Just because your song is only two and a half minutes long doesn’t mean you can’t make a nine minute music video out of it in China! Keep in mind, the video below is PART ONE.

Now you know! Go, cash in by dressing like a girl and making shitty music! The smart people already have!!